The Ministry of a Christian Stepmom

Family Day 5

Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:2-5

“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” – Abraham Lincoln of his stepmother, Sarah.

 

  • Grab your Bible, a pen, your journal, something delicious to drink, and go to the place where you meet with God. If you are a stepmom or mom, know that you are not alone in your endeavor to love your family well. Take a deep breath and relax today, knowing that God is with you. The Lord is your Helper!
  • Read  1 Corinthians 13:7, Philippians 2:2-5, Colossians 3:23, and Esther 4:14b  And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”
  • If you are a stepmom, ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you as you read these Scriptures and show you the importance of your ministry to your stepchildren. Perhaps God has given you, as a mom, to your stepchildren just like He gave Esther to help the Jews. Esther gave her all to save her people, perhaps God is calling you to do the same.
  • If you know someone who is a stepmom, consider passing this study on to her and be sure to pray for her as she ministers to her stepchildren.

The Ministry of a Christian Stepmom

Mothers are important; we mold the hearts and minds of the next generation. The importance is not only true of birth and adoptive moms but also stepmoms.

My parents divorced when I was young, and my dad remarried. Daddy had full custody of me, so I lived with him and my stepmom full time. These short years became one of the most difficult seasons of my life. My parent’s recent divorce left me feeling wounded and broken. Furthermore, my stepmom didn’t want me, so I never felt loved and accepted living in her home. They divorced a short time later, and I felt relieved.

After their divorce, my dad dated a delightful woman named Sharon. Though they never married, and were only together a short time, I will always remember Sharon for the way she loved me like a daughter and taught me much about life. She helped me learn all about how to apply cosmetics and hosted my friends for sleepovers. Sharon was a delightful cook and loved to decorate. She was a beautiful example of a sweet mother-figure who chose to invest her life into a defeated young girl.

My dad later married a kind woman named Jean. My children know Jean as Nanny, and she loved them like her own grandchildren. Jean was just what I needed as an adult stepchild. She loved my dad well and took care of him until the end of his life. I will always be thankful for my sweet stepmom, Jean.

As a stepmom, you have the God-given potential to make an enormous difference in the lives of your stepchildren.  I fervently believe this is a ministry given to you by God to show His love to your potentially wounded stepchildren and teens.

I don’t know your situation. The children’s mom may be fantastic, and if so the children are blessed.  Much of the time, however, the mom may have deep wounds which make it hard for her to be the mother her children need. In any case, don’t ever underestimate the power of your ministry to your stepchildren. You will never replace their mom, but you can be a positive role model and someone who is always there for them and shows them the love of Jesus.

While praying over this study,  I thought about the things I needed from my stepmom when I was living with her. I felt the Lord impressing on me to discuss five practical ways you can love your stepchildren during this season with your blended family in your home:

  • Pray! Prayer is your greatest work in your home! Pray for your husband and stepchildren to feel the love of Jesus in your home through you. Don’t forget to pray for the children’s mom and for healing to take place in her heart as well. Prayer changes everything!
  • Be patient and keep loving, no matter what. The children may resent you, but know they are hurting during this difficult season. Ask God to help you love supernaturally with the love of Christ.
  • Cook as much as possible! Break out your crock pot and make sure the children have delicious smells in the kitchen when they come home. Have dinners together as much as you can, even if you are all busy!
  • Be present, available, and listen. Be there! Try to be home when the children are home. Take the time to ask about their day and listen. Give lots of sweet hugs. Go to their sporting practices and events. Host their friends in your home for special dinners and sleepovers. Your relationship will take a significant investment of time, but it’s worth it!
  • Stay positive as much as possible. Don’t ever vent about their mom, your husband, or any situation to the children. Let them be children. They most likely have gone through a lot of difficulties with their parent’s divorce and have wounds of their own. I lost my childhood and had to grow up fast because of my parent’s divorce; they probably have too. They need time and prayers to heal. The Lord will help them!

Questions to Ponder

  • If you are a stepmom– Pray and ask God to help you to love well. Ask Him to show you ALL of your children’s hearts and how to love them better and to teach you how to pray specifically for your family. Write the answers in your journal. If you don’t feel like you are getting a response from God, keep praying and asking until you get an answer. Be patient and know God hears and answers every one of our prayers.
  • If you know someone who is a stepmom-Pray and ask God how you can help support your friend and her family. Try to get to know the children and be a sweet “Auntie” they can look back on as someone who took an interest in their lives and loved them well.

Faith Filled Idea

  • If you are a stepmom– Do something special with each of your children this month. If you don’t see your stepchildren often, try to Skype them or send them a note with some fun stickers or a gift certificate to a coffee shop.
  • If you know someone who is a stepmom- Take your friend’s kids out to a movie or stop by with a bagel pack or some treat they can enjoy. Call your friend who is a stepmom and encourage her by telling her you are proud of her. If she is a Christian, ask if you can pray for her.

family day 5

 

Deb Weakly

Co-founder at Help Club for Moms
My name is Deb Weakly and I helped create the Help Club for Moms with one goal in mind: to create a community in which moms help moms to know the love of Christ. My own childhood was difficult and filled with sadness. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, so when I became a Christian (and soon after, a mom), I had no idea what I was doing; I didn’t know what it meant to raise Christ-centered kids, but I so desperately wanted to learn.

I remember going into my daughter's room night after night and kneeling beside her bed and crying my heart out to God because I didn’t know how to be a Christian mom; I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. You know what? God is so faithful! He answered me and simply said, “Spend time with me, Deb.” And so I did. I began arising 15-30 minutes earlier each day so I could read my Bible and pray, and plan out my day with my family.

If there was one thing I would love to share with you is that God is personal and loves you as you are. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved by our amazing God! Come as you are! His loving presence can be practically known and experienced. He is not a God who is far away, He is near and easily found. He longs for you to come to Him!

Randy and I have been married for 28 years and we have two grown children, Christie, and Jack, and one answer to prayer son-in-law named Alex. And now I get to be a Gigi to my sweet little grandbaby, Aspen! Yay!
Deb Weakly

Latest posts by Deb Weakly (see all)

19 Comments on “The Ministry of a Christian Stepmom”

  1. That was one thing that our counselor suggested that we do was pray daily and we do. We had gotten lax in doing that. That’s one thing I love about my husband is his willingness to pray with me. I never had that in my first marriage despite me being so involved in ministry. My husband has a strong call to ministry and spends hours before work studying and praying. He’s an amazing man, just stubborn and not wanting to see things unless he sees it himself. That’s probably why God put us together. My own stubbornness matches his own and I’ve overcome so much in my life being a domestic abuse survivor. I know people and have a God given discernment. Please pray my husband accepts my observations and trusts my discernment and that we get on the same page parenting. I have a feeling that our daughter may not come back into our home after she finds out the rules we are laying down with the help of the counselor.
    Praying for her mother is hard because she actively works to subvert us and encourages a sinful dangerous lifestyle of gambling, promiscuity and self absorption, but I’m trying. She threatens to take His daughter away from him whenever he doesn’t do what she wants. The woman needs to be saved!
    We already established a new rule of no cell phones after bedtime with my teens and my stepdaughter will be expected to adhere to the same rules.
    This is just a long road and I’m praying my husband can join me on it. Because I cannot just allow my children to have zero boundaries just because his daughter does.

  2. Wow I’ll be reading through this a few times I think. I’m a new stepmom. My own two children are 17 and 15 and I have homeschooled them for years. My stepdaughter is 11 and has a mother addicted to gambling and has repeatedly jeapordized her safety and is only an active parent when she wants to look good.
    My husband and I got married in May and had our daughter all through the summer with the exception of 9 days. Until recently we had her most of the time. Even through the aftermath of hurricane Michael when her mother had power and water and we didn’t she was with us.
    Well a bad influence friend came into our daughters life and our sweet girl, who always struggled with lying and manipulating, became obsessed with her friend and the lying and manipulating escalated 100 fold. The girls were caught with 6 Instagram accounts. Police were called because the girls had been in contact with a pedophile.
    I had expressed my concerns to my husband in December after having this little friend at our house for a weekend and we decided not to allow this child back into our home. After we banned her friend from our home suddenly her mom wanted to adhere to the 50 50 custody agreement. We later found out it was so our daughter could see and spend time with this friend at our daughters request not the mother’s. Then Two weeks ago we found out about all the Instagram accounts. And immediately after we grounded her and forced her to delete accounts and I talked to the other girls guardian about not having outside of school hangout time, our daughter went to her mom and claims she’s scared of me and started telling twisted lies about me saying I’d said things about her mom and everyone else. There were conversations where we talked about biblical responses to choices her mom has made and everything my daughter has said is so completely twisted. This has caused a major problem in my marriage.
    I see it very clearly as I’ve been involved in youth, junior high and music ministry most of my adult life and teach art therapy to kids and teens. I see that prior to me being around that she didn’t have much structure. Dad is a godly man but gets threatened by his ex wife if he doesn’t do things her way so he was extremely lax on discipline. So prior to me the only boundary my stepdaughter had was bedtime and even that was 9pm for a 10 year old girl during school nights and non existent during the summer. She got to eat what she wanted when she wanted and has had a phone for years. There was no discipline other than a conversation of don’t do that.
    So I see this as I’m the target because without me around she doesn’t have to eat what is presented to her, she doesn’t have to do chores and she gets whatever she wants when she wants it with no boundaries or consequences . But keep in mind we were making good headway prior to this friend being in her life. Getting my husband to parent was a work in progress and her behavior was improving. Now we are in counseling.
    Now she’s living with her mom temporarily and is refusing to come back into our home.
    I guess I’m desperate for other stepmoms who have dealt with this type of stuff.
    In all my years of ministry I’ve never had a child lie and manipulate to hurt me this way and it’s not just hurting me but my kids and my husband as well. I’m praying the longer she’s out of our home the more my husband will seek out the truth and see what’s really happening.

    1. Malinda-
      My heart hurts for all of you. This situation sounds extremely stressful and I’m sure has created many issues in your lives. Although I don’t have the “perfect thing to say” and the advice to end all of the madness (I wish I did), I can tell you that it’s clear you’re heading in the right direction. You’re turning to God and leaning on Jesus to help you all through this. Being a step-mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and although my situation is not the same as yours, there are some similarities. I can tell you that you cannot get tired of taking the high road and you must continue to be the light for your step daughter and her mom. You and your husband need to be on the same page and support each other through this. Try praying together. Everyday pray for his ex, your daughters, your marriage, and each other. Continue to try and guide your step daughter in the right direction. As a step-mom in a “tough” situation I can tell you prayer goes a long way. Continue to do what’s best for your step daughter and always, always put God ahead of everything. You’re spreading God’s light and truth in this and it so clearly needs to continue. God is with you all in this. We are all praying for you and your family.

  3. Thank you for this. I would like to ask for more specific advice. I have 2 step daughters, 16 and 13, as well as our little surprise (4). About a year and a half ago, we filed for full custody of the big girls. We did it because we felt we had their best interest at heart, as well as they WANTED to live with us. That was up until their mom was served with the court papers and she involved them every step of the way, despite the restraining order. Needless to say, we were denied full custody and it has been an uphill battle since. They have started repairing their relationship with my husband, however, our amazing and open relationship we once had is history. They no longer want anything to do with me and have expressed multiple times that they wish I wasn’t there on our weekends: they only want Dad and Sister (4). The oldest and I had agreed to put the past behind us and work towards getting our friendship back. It was going great until about a month ago when she started ignoring me, refusing to answer a simple question, locking herself in her room, only addressing Dad, and physically pushing me away when I try to hug or love her. This past weekend was no different. We had the oldest for a weekend family trip (13 opted to stay home). Before she went back to her mom’s, I gently told her, “I know your upset, but you can talk to me about anything. I would love to have that open communication again.” As always, it was her trigger to start the screaming, yelling, blaming, and my husband broke in and said this isn’t a conversation we need to have. The example she is setting for her younger sisters is more than I can take and its lingering effects are starting to show on our youngest (4).

    1. Hi Amy!
      This is such a hard situation to deal with (and to handle with grace). As a fellow Step-Mom I understand how sad and frustrating this can be. Trust me, I get it. I’ve been in a similar situation for years now. The best advice I can give is to continue to be a light in this situation. You HAVE to lean on Jesus to get you through these days. If you don’t lean on him it gets messy fast! Another thing I have found that helps me is praying for the girls’ mom. I know, this is hard. However, only God can change the hearts in everyone involved and you have to continue to ask him to do so. I pray every day for my step daughter and her mom and that they let God work in them and in our situation. He can soften hearts and he can protect yours. Talking to your youngest (I have a 4 year old too!) about God and having her learn that negative behavior is not beneficial for everyone can help. It’s amazing to see how these little ones can spread God’s love in these sticky situations. When courts are involved and when children are in the middle is gets really messy and really complicated. You are already doing a great job in seeking help for the girls and for your situation. Don’t stray from doing the right thing and being the bigger person. When the girls are all adults they will look back on this and see how much you sacrificed and how much you love them. They will come around. Just stay close to Jesus and your husband and continue to take the high road. You will never regret being kind. These girls are lucky to have you in their lives. Continue to pray for all of your daughters and your husband and Birthmom. We will be launching a Help Club Step-Moms group soon and would love to have you join us. If you would like to talk more I’m always willing to give what advice I have. I am praying for you all and hope things get better quickly.

  4. I have been a Step Mom now for 3 years. I have never had children of my own and to be quite honest, never wanted them. So this is quite a challenge but I do love my husband’s daughter like she is my own. Her name is Genesee and she has actually been in my life now for almost 5 years, since she was 8. She will be turning 12 in December and I know we are getting ready for some major milestones in her life. I know her Daddy is not ready for them because when I mention them, he avoids the topic. We have gone from her being interested in video games to now being interested in makeup. Needless to say, my husband is not happy about the changes taking place with his daughter. She has gotten taller, “developed” in certain areas of her body, and has started her cycle, her speech has even changed. About 4 years ago, I began to warn my husband of these changes and how these would even affect him. The response from him? “Not my little girl! She won’t change towards her daddy!” Well, a few weeks ago, they were watching a movie together and he invited her to come sit beside him on the couch like they have always done before while watching a movie. She said, “Nah, I’m fine where I’m at.” I didn’t even have to look at Doug’s face to know he was crushed. A few minutes later, he got up and walked into our bedroom. My heart was breaking for him. But I KNEW the day was going to come. Why??? Cause I did the same thing to my Daddy!! And it wasn’t a deliberate act! It is just a part of a girl growing up! But my hubby was shattered. He felt rejected by his baby girl. And even though I had warned him of this happening, he just didn’t want to believe that she would ever do that to him. But I do have a dilemma and problem. My husband’s first marriage broke up because his ex wife had an affair. I don’t really think there was much discussion with my husband and his daughter about their divorce and how Genesee felt about all of it. In the 5 years that I have known this child, I have never seen her cry. She may have teared up twice. Maybe. She shows happiness and excitement, but I have never seen negative emotion out of her. There have been tragedies besides her parents divorce that have happened to her. Her mother miscarried a baby that she WITNESSED. There is also some question as to the home environment she is in when she is with her mother. Her mother is known to do drugs. But when we question Genesee, she tells us nothing. We feel like she has been warned to tell us nothing. I really feel like I am “up a creek” as we say here in the South. I am on the outside of this thing looking in and there is only so much I can do, which is actually zilch. Does ANYONE have any advice?

    1. Hello Leah,
      You are such a GREAT stepmom. Genesee is soooo blessed to have you! Those changes are normal! It is all part of the process. The best advice I can offer is my advice to love like Jesus and to pray every day. Love her unconditionally. Spend time with her doing things she likes to do. Tell her that you are proud of her and that she is growing more and more beautiful each day and that you see Jesus in her. Be patient. Listening like crazy- probably late at night before bed will help her feel so loved by you and your husband. Stay in faith and catch her being good as much as possible!

      Be sure to join our next study, “The Wise Woman Grows.” It is available on Amazon here: https://amzn.to/2FKkvPn
      There are lots of practical ideas on how to love your husband and children well. Also, ask to join the Help Club for Moms Online group. We pray for our moms every Monday! I am praying for you right now!
      With love,
      Deb

  5. Thank you for your words. I am in need of some more specific advice if I may ask of you. Four years ago, my husband got custody of his daughter, 6 years old at the time. Her mother had gotten custody taken away from her and has spent the last 4 years telling her she is trying to get her back. However, by that she means, your dad won’t let me have you back. My husband works late and does not have a lot of time with the kids (we have a 3 year old together) He takes his daughter to school everyday though so they get a little time together alone each day. Because of his work schedule, I have been the one having to do basically ALL the parenting stuff that a step parent should not have to do which has lead his daughter to, in her words “not like you anymore.” Truthfully, I love her so much, but I do not like her very much anymore either. She has behavioral issues all rooted from things she had to see while her parents were together, while she lived with her mom after her dad left, and now when she visits her mom and that side of the family. She knows what is right and what is wrong, she just deliberately chooses wrong most of the time. We have had her in counseling for over a year now and have not noticed much of a change. Mother does not give her any consequences for her actions and does literally everything for her including still tying her shoes at 10 years old. Dad is not much help as she is usually in bed or getting ready for it when he gets home. My main concern is how can I teach my daughter to grow into a successful, loving, responsible christian adult if I am having to parent her sister differently? I worry about the bad influence she is on my daughter. I am young in the Lord, but have started to seek God for these issues and I know He will answer in His time. I know He needs me to learn some things before I can fully grasp how I am going to get through this. I have also been praying for the mother and for my stepdaughter. I was just searching online to see if there was any information about step moms in my situation. Most the articles and sermons I have come across do not talk about being the step parent that is really the ONLY one parenting the step child. Anyways, thanks again for your words and in my time with God alone I am going to study the scriptures you provided and just wait upon the Lord for my strength to renew.

    1. Hello Stormie,
      I am so very sorry to hear about all that you have gone through. I have a prayer counselor here at the Help Club who would love to get in contact with you to pray over your situation.
      Be on the lookout for an email from me.
      With love and prayers,
      Deb

  6. Hi I’m having a hard time being a stepmom. My children are grown and I married a man with a 5 year old daughter 3 at the time. He has custody of her) everyday I wake up with regrets. Why do I feel this way. I pray to God every day about this situation. I’m always seeking advice how to handle this. Her mom is in her life when she wants to be. I ended up leaving my full time job to be here. Which put us in a financial stain. My husband is working and we only have one vehicle, my car ( our car). The child’s mom doesn’t have a car so therefore we end up taking her to her moms and picking her up. But her mom can get a ride every where else except when it’s time to pick her up or drop her off . I feel frustrated and used. Amongst other things. I need help getting through this. At times I’m not sleeping at night. Thinking God is upset at me for not wanting to do this. I just have mixed feelings about this sometimes I’m ok and sometimes not. Trying to figure out a way to better view this situation. Without me feeling like I’m being judged.

    1. Dear Chawnda, My heart is breaking for all you are going through. I will tell you that sometimes, the things God calls us to do are hard, very hard. But He promises to help us and give us the wisdom that we need. Don’t discount the importance of what you are doing! The Lord is with you and He will help you!!

      Also, if you are on Facebook, you should consider joining the Help Club for Moms Online group.
      You can join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/636391573213553/

      We are going through our new fall book, “The Wise Woman Abides” together. I know this book can help you. Abiding in Christ is what you need to do right now. I hope to see you in that group and I am praying for you!

  7. I needed to read this. I’m sitting up because I cant sleep tonight. My stepson (9) lives with my husband and I, along with my 12 year old own, my 11 year old son, and my 9 year old daughter. It is HARD. He has definitely developed some resentment with my 12 year old and he recently told a family member that he is being bullied. It has started an investigation with DHR because that family member made a report of an unsafe environment. A safety plan was made and until he is cleared to come home, my 12 yr old has to stay at his dads while the other kids are at home. It is tearing my husband and I apart. And my stepson’s mother keeps texting my husband to make sure he is in their son’s side and that he isn’t being harmed. Please pray for us. It hurts so badly that my child can’t stay here with us and that my husband has become so distant. It seems like everytime we try to reconnect with each other, something happens to spark his protective nature for his son, which automatically makes me the enemy because I stand up for mine.

    1. Oh sweet Tammy, I am so very sorry for all you are going through though. Your work with your family is so important and Satan knows it. He will do whatever he can to break up your family. But the truth is that the Lord Jesus is with you and he is helping you. I am praying for you right now as I read this. Don’t give up! Don’t ever think that what you’re doing with your children and your stepson isn’t important because it is! Even though things may not look really good right now, you never know the type of seeds that you were planting when you choose to love and not retaliate. I am praying today for you to remain in the love of Jesus. When we remain in the love of Jesus it helps us to love others in the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you for commenting and letting us know how you’re doing.

  8. Thank you for these encouraging words. I am a step mom and it is difficult. I have one step son 17 who has excepted Jesus. We are praying for the other one. They are both good young men. They will be gone soon I know my time with them is short. Thank you again for this. Can’t wait to meet you.

    1. What a sweet mom you are Cari! You job is often thankless and so hard! Please know that what you do by loving your boys well really matters to God! He sees it all and sees your heart to love your stepsons. I am so happy for your stepson to accept Jesus! I will be praying for your other one to do the same. Much love!

  9. Thank you Deb for sharing your story! I love the Esther verse you reference! I’ll be praying for the step-parents I know 🙂

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